Chapter III: The Forest Temple... Oooh
The temple was dark and moist, very very moist. “This place sure is ominous,” Baka stated, sagely as ever. And then Jason pimp slapped that ho across the room. Baka slammed against an ancient statue, revealing a secret room. “Way to go, Billy,” Jason said. He had forgotten who Baka was. “I now remember my name!” shouted the pixie. “It’s Carol.” “Screw that,” said Grave Digger. “Baka suits you more.” “I’ll call you Billy,” said Jason, “because I know it isn’t your name and I hate you.” “No!” shouted Grave Digger. “Her name is Baka!” “I think Carol is a lovely name,” a new, feminine voice proclaimed, having been hidden in the corner the whole time. “Well I think your voice is uber-hawt!” shouted Jason, now totally in the mood. “That’s really creepy,” the newcomer replied. “Let me scan her with my $W4G Meter,” Jason said. The woman stepped out of the shadows, revealing herself to be some chick (she was around a 7.5/10; Jason saw her as more of an 8.5, but he was being pretty generous). Her swag levels were off the charts. “You guys are really creeping me out, so why don’t you just go?” she said, pointing to the door. “Who are you any way?” Jason asked. “I’ll tell you if you leave,” she responded. “I’m on a quest for Nessie herself!” shouted Jason, as he saw a shocked look come over her face. “You mean you’re crazy as well as creepy?” she replied, reaching for something behind her back. “Nessie died a long time ago... in the great fire of Canada, back in 98.” “That’s... that’s just not possible! All I’ve ever wanted from life is the power that Nessie bestows! And... I met him/her!” As Jason held his head in his hands in grief, the girl swung a blunt object from behind her at his head. Jason barely had any time to comprehend the object coming at him before it struck him squarely on the head. Jason then again slapped that ho across the room. “Do you even need me to fight against enemies? Grave Digger asked. “Your slapping skills seem sufficient. “Yes they are, but you are pretty good adventurer eye candy,” Jason said. “RAAAAUR!” shouted the woman, transforming into an evil Nature-Witch! “I am Beth, the Ent Queen!” she proclaimed. “Now get out of my house.” “Never!” Jason shouted. “We are here to retrieve the Talisman of the Forest Temple!” “And a special weapon, since this is a Zelda clone!” said Carol/Baka/Billy. “That’s it? I think there are some in the attic,” Beth replied, surprised. “K den,” said Jason. “Seriously, I thought you guys had come to take my GEM OF AMAZING POWER. “You have piqued my interest, fair lady,” Grave Digger spoke up. “I shouldn’t have said anything!” Beth shouted. “Now a skeleton knows about my family’s secret!” “Look! Look at the secret with your special eyes!” Beth’s TV blared out in an appropriate manner. Immediately, Grave Digger’s eyes were opened and his emotions overtook him. Seeing the gem, the skeleton-sword realized that he was not worthy of such beauty. “My brand!” he said, while the brand of his curse to be a sword appeared on his hilt. “Now, Banjo!” Jason shouted as Baka/Carol/Billy/Whocares transformed into Bakacon, arming herself with Model #449. Bakacon attacked the Ent Queen and blew her face off. Jason pulled out his no-longer-covered-in-feces bow and prepared to finish off Beth, but something stopped him; he was forgetting something. “U r totes ded,” Jason proclaimed, filling his snappy comeback quota for the day, as he shot his bow directly into her heart. “You think one arrow can defeat me?!” Beth shouted. “You have merely increased the blood-flow to my brain, increasing my power!” Though it came out as more of a prolonged gurgle, seeing as how she no longer had a face. The group soon lost interest. “My mecha-wheelchair’s map is showing that the talisman is deeper in the temple,” Bakacon said. “We know, you idiot. She told us there was stuff in the attic,” Grave Digger replied irritably. Meanwhile, Beth was trying in vain to tape her face back on. Jason now saw her as more of a 7.2 (the swag meter had also dropped to a negative twenty). Then all of a sudden, the swag meter increased to over 9000 when Beth finally taped her face back together and chased after Jason into the temple. “Throw me!” Grave Digger shouted to Jason. “I will end her once and for all!” “Don’t do it, Jason!” Bakacon replied. “An Ent Queen can not be defeated by normal means. You’ll have to use her GEM OF AMAZING POWER!” Jason decided to throw Bakacon towards Beth in an attempt to distract her and get to the GEM OF AMAZING POWER, but Beth swallowed Bakacon whole. She did this by unhinging her jaw creepily, causing Jason to now see her as more of a 5.2. However, Beth had not realized that the GEM OF AMAZING POWER would not fit down her throat, and vomited all over the carpet. Jason crawled through the vomit searching for both Bakacon and the Gem. Bakacon was curled up around the GEM OF AMAZING POWER, holding it close in the pool of upchuck. Suddenly, there was a flash from the GEM OF AMAZING POWER as Bakacon accidentally activated the Gem, revealing its power to be twin beams of tear gas, condensed! They fired directly into Beth’s eyes! She stumbled backwards, blinded, and struck her head against a support beam, and fell over, limp. Victorious, Jason began to dance around and the others did the closest thing to dancing that a handicapped mecha-pixie and a sword could do, finally ready to complete their quest. Now, all the heroes had to do was figure out how to get to the attic. However, the attic had to be inside a pocket dimension, as they could not find an entrance. “Now I wish that we hadn’t defeated that faceless ent-Beth thing,” Grave digger said, irritably. “She could have told us where the attic was.” “I don’t think she would have done much talking,” Bakacon replied, staring at her broken face. “Well now we’ll never know,” Grave Digger stated, still annoyed. “Why don’t you use your uber-l33t Mecha-Wheelchair Map, Bart?” Jason asked at who we can only assume was Bakacon. She began to fiddle with her little wheelchair thing, and then began to read off the directions to the attic. “First we’ll need to draw and eight by four foot rectangle, paint it with blood, and chant, ‘bmud si yrots siht’ five times,” she read out in a monotonous, computer tone. “Tats a n00b way to doo,” Jason proclaimed, as he bashed his skull into the wall, revealing a staircase. “I suppose this is the way to the talisman,” Grave Digger said, though he continued to eye the GEM OF AMAZING POWER. And so the group began their trek up, though Grave Digger did make Jason retrieve the GEM OF AMAZING POWER before moving on. As the group got closer to the attic, the GEM OF AMAZING POWER began to glow brighter and brighter. Category:Chapters